So I got stuff back today and this is the little braggy part of the blog and I got a high A on my Pols midterm and a C+/B- on my Post Colonial Lit essay which is actually a fairly decent mark for someone who has only done one lower level English course and is taking Upper level now. I’m happy with it anyway. I could have done more but I’m content. I used the wrong citation style which brought me down and then the big one. I didn’t go far enough in depth which is something I get on all my papers. I have surface thoughts but I don’t really know how to dive into them.
I was even looking at my writing and it is simple. I know that sounds like it has a negative connotation but I am not saying that. What I am saying is that it is simple. I usually start with a simple plot like “He sets himself on fire”. Simple right? Then I work around that but then I use almost bare sentences. I don’t use tons of imagery and rhetorical devices. Most the time I don’t even use names.
I’ve tried the more beautiful writing style and I don’t like it. I feel like I am trying too hard. It isn’t my style. Does it make it bad? Possibly.
I actually had something 100% different I was going talk about but then as I started typing it out, I realized that I may offend people in a manner that wouldn’t be easily fixable so instead I talk about writing. My life revolves around writing. It is how I work things out.
On to a completely different topic that some may be like “just keep these thoughts to yourself” but my response to that is no. It is bothering me. I need it somewhere. Feel free to call me stupid after this though. So some people have been commenting on my sexuality lately. Now not in a negative light. No, not at all. Rather they think I’ve classified myself improperly. They think that I’m actually a lesbian and this isn’t some out of the blue joke. They were serious and my answer was “I don’t know” because truthfully, I don’t. And these are people I do talk to on an almost daily basis and have seen my reaction to people. (Non creepers included).
Now I identify as bisexual because I’ve obviously liked guys even though I can count how many I seriously crushed on on one hand. Ya, it is low but it is still men. I’ve crushed on about just as many girls too so still bisexual so far. Except for one though they were all crushes of the mind. I tend to like people who I view as smart and even the more physical boy (btw anything you are thinking right now is wrong. It wasn’t anything you may think it was and that whole thing ended before it could go anywhere anyway) I still saw as smart.
The girls I like are usually smart too but here is the thing, I look at them physically too. I mean you’ve all heard me say a guy is hot but look at the guys I think are hot and most the time I am just admiring them and noticing that yes, they are quite attractive but I’m not physically attracted to them.
I’ve kissed a girl and it felt good but it also felt right. And even though this sounds sexual, what I did with the boy felt good. (It wasn’t really that sexual actually but no, I am not telling you. I’ll leave it at it can be shown in a PG/14A movie. More PG actually) but I was also 13 at the time and hormones are going crazy. It didn’t feel like anything honestly. The girl was more recent at least so I’ve had some years to settle down everything. But like I said. That felt right.
So I’m confused so I decided to throw out all the emotional stuff and decided to go with two questions that are pretty primal.
Do I want to have sex with a guy? And the first word that came into my head was No.
Do I want to have sex with a girl? Maybe
But what does that mean? Is the answer something super obvious and I just can’t see it or do I have every right to be super confused right now? I liked being not confused about this whole thing but our discussion (which contained more than I shared here) has me all messed up again. I think I am going sit down with someone else tomorrow who I trust and go over this. I thought all this identity and sexuality stuff was supposed to be solved in highschool.