Krystal’s Blog

Why am I always the bad person in this relationship? Why is the blame put on me? Communication requires two people so you don’t contact me for MONTHS and I am the one at fault? Why should I make the effort? People change? Of course people change but you haven’t proven that. Actually yes you have but it isn’t for the better. What happened? What the hell happened? I want to forgive you. I so want to forgive you and for some things I have. I’ve forgiven you for a lot but how can I keep forgiving? You opened some slow healing wounds and you keep putting on new ones but you have the guts to turn around and make me seem like the bad person.

I was trying. I was trying so hard but I don’t want to anymore. I just don’t want to. I’m so sick of pain. Not like everyday pain because I am so happy. Happier than I’ve ever been and I think I deserve that. Don’t you? But you bring me pain. Not physical pain. That would be impossible anyway but so much pain and usually people try to get rid of pain. I want to be rid of it but to do that I have to cut ties with you and that does make me the bad person. I can’t win. I can’t try and stay in touch with you but receive no word or reply for long periods of time. You could be dead and I would never fucking know. And I can’t just stop talking to you because then I am the person you say I am. I can’t deal with this.

I wish things had been different. I wish they were different. You were important to me. Very important to me but bad choices were made and it wasn’t one bad choice. It was many and your importance dwindled. I can live without you but you can’t live without me clearly but you should have realized that earlier. It was your choice. Your choice. I shouldn’t be the one shedding tears.

You make me cry the most you know? Like the kind that hurts and it is hard to breathe and you just can’t stop. You make me lay in bed curled up tightly because your words and your actions hurt me that much. Are you proud that you can accomplish that? Would you be if you knew that almost everything comes back to you? See even if I wanted to cut ties, which I do, I can’t because it all relates back to you.

I hate you. I love you. I don’t want to see you. I do want to see you. I care and I don’t. I want to hit you so hard but I also want to embrace you. All contradictions. Can’t you see how frustrating this is?

But you outstretched a hand although it is one that typed that email that made me feel like this and is dirty but I will take it once more. I think I can only do once more. So please, let neither of us fuck this up again.

I like watching TV. I really do and I do have my guilty pleasure shows and that is cool. Everyone does but what I’ve been watching during the day when I have nothing to do is Animal Planet, Discovery Channel, and sometimes CBC and it is really interesting. I do love learning. I couldn’t dedicate my life to any of the things these scientists do (CBC is politics so lets exclude that) but what they find is amazing to me and I like it when it is broken down. Fancy words really don’t mean much to me until they have a definition or visual so scholarly papers are harder for me to follow but the stuff I do get, I do like learning about.

I was watching episode one to One Ocean (I think that is what it is called) and they were explaining how the ocean was born and the animals that help link human evolution like some creature that I can’t remember the name of (which sucks) and I don’t know. It was neat. They also showed what probably caused massive extinctions other than a comet or whatever. Micbrobes like algae or stuff like it grow like crazy and strangle all living things with oxygen but this only happens when all the ocean’s temperature becomes stagnant. Isn’t that fascinating?

See that is why I am not a scientist. I find the stuff interesting but I remember none of the scientific words and that whole thing kind of sounds like I am child explaining it. Oh well.

And before anyone jumps at me, I do believe in science. Always have. I actually love it. I enjoy knowing various types of things like that and other things that I will never really be of use me except for random pieces of knowledge and I guess enjoyment. My mom enjoys telling the story of how when I was a kid I always needed to know why something was and she would have to get me books so I could read them and find out because I didn’t believe her. It was stuff like “Why is the sky blue?” or “how to flowers live?” but I was a kid. I was also subscribed to some kids magazine that had stuff like that in it and other stuff. I’ve always believed in science and I’ve always liked learning but I always liked reading more so here I am. Plus in highschool I didn’t like the sciences and maths and if I don’t like something, I don’t pay attention to it.

I also watched episode one Love, Hate, and Propaganda today and that is a history/politics one but that was so interesting. It is all about the propaganda used in WWII and I already knew that propaganda was huge but seeing footage and pictures of posters and stuff, it makes sense why it worked and that is kind of scary. I hope I can watch the rest of the mini series and my friends aren’t like “No. Lets watch Cake Boss instead” or something stupid. Though they do like Animal Planet and that is always cool.

This link gives a proper summary as it is a show review and it tells what the first episode talks about: http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/entertainment/TV/wartime-spin-writ-large-86318192.html Winnipeg Free Press is obviously the best newspaper ever. OK no but if you have sometime do watch at least the first episode probably on the CBC website. It is really interesting and you don’t need to know all the history because they explain some of the basics.

The world is a really neat place. Everything is just so amazing and how it works. Even the bad stuff. I mean I am not going be like “Yay! Bad stuff!” but how it works is still pretty cool.

So someone doesn’t like me. Nothing I’m not used but she just gave me permission to be a bitch. Of course I am not going be a deliberate one but I can respond with her attitude my way. I get it. I am a bit of a smart ass but most my comments are said in jest. It is no reason to not like me but oh well. I put up with A LOT of her crap. I mean a lot.

I got to write 3 essays this weekend. It was awful and I never want to do that again.

I’m reading Frankenstein and Victor is kind of a jerk. I haven’t finished part one yet but really man he is reaching out to you. Go to him. Don’t run away. Jerk. But it is kind of interesting because it is obviously going deal with nature vs nurture and right now I’m going for nurture. Love is a good thing.

My last exam is April 19th. I don’t have anything else to say

Song lyric title because originality is dead.

I was sitting in Pols and we were talking about Quebec and all I could think of was that Canada is a teenager going through an identity crisis. A 300 year one. We don’t know if we are one, two, or three nations. Or a compact theory. The provinces think we are the latter. Quebec thinks we are two and First Nations three. So what does the Canadian government do? Try to please everyone. Ya, that works so well. I’m not going write a rant on it or anything since there are about 10000 articles and papers you can read if you are interested. I just found it funny. No wonder Britain kind of wanted us to become our own country. We are hard to deal with.

This was a combination of a bunch of things. Some relevant and some not but the thought came into my head “maybe I should be a minister” and then I laughed and dismissed that. I would be an awful minister and how can I teach something where I have conflicting views? That wouldn’t be right.

And all that made me realize is I still have no clue what the hell I am doing after university. B.Ed? Public Administration? Government? Or social work looks kind of interesting and you don’t need a specific degree but that would be even longer at school. I do know that I enjoy the English/PoliSci degree more than I did the business. It is just a matter of what the hell I am going do with my life. I don’t like this unclear future. I also don’t like that I have to retake Econ 205. Stupid course.

I’m also starting to wonder why I support Layton and the NDP. I’m not going go into details because I feel like the response would just be like “what…?”. Apparently I am just questioning everything lately. Life, religion, self-being, politics. Question question question. Zero answers.

And it isn’t even good drama. It is one person being all upset over the stupidest things ever. I don’t know if it can be classified as drama even and since none of you know the person, I can go over the events and you can see how stupid the whole thing is.

We were going grocery shopping right? And I called shotgun and this was the first thing so she got all huffy but then the time we got to the store she was fine and we got a cart and the wheel snagged on something so she got pissed that she was pushing the cart and started booking it around the store with the shared cart and wouldn’t wait for anyone. Like I was looking at meat and she just left to Dairy and I caught up and put my stuff in the cart and jokingly (like I was laughing) said “Patience. You aren’t the only one shopping” and that pissed her right off and then we went to Frozen and she finished before because she ditched when I was in produce (there was another person with us but she isn’t really important to this) and she ditched in the frozen aisle again so I catch up and she is in line and I am pretty irritated right now and I am like “I’m not finished shopping yet…” so she is like “Fine. Here.” and takes her purse out and storms away and I am just like w/e in my head and go get my groceries but I don’t get to finish and I just gave up and am going back Friday but anyway we went to line and she grabbed a basket, put all her stuff in it, and storms to another line. Then we get back to the apartment and she slams the door and turns up her music.
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My friends also told me that she whined to them and apparently “She doesn’t want to hear another one of my smartass comments or she will punch me in the face” and that I am a bitch. Lol oh. Cool. Whatever. It is funny how she gets so upset over the stupidest stuff and I put up with her mess (Me and another girl are pretty much her maid), her self-entitlement, her possesion (We can’t touch ANYTHING of hers but she is allowed to use our stuff withour permission), her vanity, and her constant bitching.

Like fuck, I’m a bitch and I know it but she is just so. You know when you are around someone and all you want to do is strangle them because their company is just that bad? Ya. It is that and just ugh. Also I realize I am slightly hypocritical because I bitch A LOT and it is bad to do so but hers is so much worse. Like you have to see it to understand.

Luckily there is a solution and it is only 7 more weeks.

I had something else to talk about but I’m tired. Apparently 13 hours of sleep isn’t enough.

Some of the various arguments for atheism claim that the concept of God is incoherent, that there are logical problems with the existence of such a being. Perhaps the best known of these is the paradox of the stone: Can God create a stone so heavy that he cannot lift it?

Either God can create such a stone or he can’t.

If he can’t, the argument goes, then there is something that he cannot do, namely create the stone, and therefore he is not omnipotent.

If he can, it continues, then there is also something that he cannot do, namely lift the stone, and therefore he is not omnipotent.

Either way, then, God is not omnipotent. A being that is not omnipotent, though, is not God. God, therefore, does not exist.
Problems With the Paradox of the Stone

Although this simple argument may appear compelling at first glance, there are some fundamental problems with it. Before identifying these problems, however, it is necessary to make clear what is meant by “omnipotence”.

Christian philosophers have understood omnipotence in different ways. René Descartes though of omnipotence as the ability to do absolutely anything. According to Descartes, God can do the logically impossible; he can make square circles, and he can make 2 + 2 = 5.

Thomas Aquinas had a narrower conception of omnipotence. According to Aquinas, God is able to do anything possible; he can part the red sea, and he can restore the dead to life, but he cannot violate the laws of logic and mathematics in the way that Descartes thought that he could.

If Descartes’ conception of omnipotence is correct, then any attempt to disprove God’s existence using logic is hopeless. If God can do the logically impossible, then he can both create a stone so heavy that he cannot lift it, and lift it, and so can do all things. Yes, there’s a contradiction in this, but so what? God can, on this understanding of omnipotence, make contradictions true.

Descartes’ understanding of omnipotence therefore doesn’t seem to be vulnerable to the paradox of the stone. Descartes can answer the question “Yes” without compromising divine omnipotence.

Aquinas’ understanding of omnipotence, which is more popular than that of Descartes, also survives the paradox of the stone. For if God exists then he is a being that can lift all stones. A stone that is so heavy that God cannot lift it is therefore an impossible object. According to Aquinas’ understanding of omnipotence, remember, God is able to do anything possible, but not anything impossible, and creating a stone that God cannot lift is something impossible.

Aquinas can therefore answer the question “No” without compromising divine omnipotence.

The paradox of the stone, then, can be resolved; it fails to show that there is an incoherence in the theistic conception of God, and so fails to demonstrate that God does not exist.

I spent money on myself today. It was weird and I know most people are like what? to that but yes I buy myself food, and a couple other things but I don’t really splurge on myself except on Boxing Day and even then that is usually under $100. I told my mom that I feel guilty about spending the money because I should save it for groceries, bills, or school and she told me that it is OK to spend money on myself for pleasure once awhile. I dunno. It is weird. My lifestyle and upbringing has taught me that you should save. You provide the necessities to yourself and your family and then if you have left overs, you can go and have fun but you have to plan for fun so you know to save that. Especially since I am not working right now.

I mean I do like that I bought stuff but there is that nagging thing in the back of my head telling me that it was wrong. Especially since I owe two people money even though I put their money aside so I couldn’t touch it and I put grocery money aside too. So logically this shouldn’t bother me. If it was spread out, it might have been OK. I don’t know. I hate how my mind works. It makes no sense.

It is still too early to tell but I think it might be over and not by my choice. But it is still too early to tell for sure. Time may heal it but for now it sucks and it hurts but what can I do? It is probably all for the best.

I decided to restart my last.fm because I am getting new music and a lot of it is acoustic which is going suck for exercising but I love acoustic music. It is so much more soothing and to me at least it is more real. Fact about me because you all care: I write to acoustic music and piano music. This is one of the few times I put a single song on repeat.

So while I was going through my last.fm to make sure I write down anything I don’t want to lose, I came across Laura Marling and this girl is amazing. I had one song on my last.fm of hers and it was really good so I checked out a bunch of her songs on youtube and I really like her style.

That is the favourite song I’ve heard so far of hers. I especially like the lyric If He made me in His image then He is a failure too but really the whole song is great.

I feel like posting two songs today although about no one will listen to them (that is OK. I openly admitted that I rarely watch people’s videos so I can’t complain). This one is by The Format who I haven’t really listened to their other stuff but I love this song so much. I’d go on walks and just listen to this song on repeat. Especially when things were being sucky. I listened to it on repeat last night and all day today.

This is going be blatantly obvious who this is about but fuck it. Fuck it all. You couldn’t walk because you were that drunk and you want to drive? I can’t with good conscious allow that to happen. I can’t. I don’t care if you’ve made the drive before. I don’t. If something happened tonight, that would have rested on my shoulders for the rest of my life and someone asked me to make sure that you didn’t. Hate me. Call me a fucking bitch. Those words didn’t hurt me. Hit me. I know you wanted to tonight. Do it. I would have sat there and fucking endured it but I would have not let you get into that car. You could have killed someone. You could have killed yourself and we told you that.

I don’t fucking care if I die

I’m not stupid. That wasn’t some drunken statement. A drunk man’s words are a sobers person thoughts and you’ve told me about your life. So you want to die? Things aren’t going get better? Ya, it is hard. It is fucking hard but talk to us. Just fucking talk to us. I get it. Fuck I get it. You’ve fucking seen the proof of it. And it hurt you so you should fucking get my position too. Talk to us. Don’t do this. Please don’t do this. The situation isn’t black and white but when the fuck is it? Nothing is but we can help you. Please just stop.

It is a god damn slow suicide. Alcohol and pot are one thing but not when you drink the way you do. How about the acid? the ecstasy? the shrooms? Heavier and heavier drugs and it works. You also smoke. Slowly dying of drugs isn’t committing suicide. Not legally anyway. Nope. And the car? Well if you crash and die then you’ve got your wish..

But why the fuck do you need spectators? What do you get out of that? Think you are the only one effected? Fuck no. You made her cry tonight. You made me cry. 17 fucking years. And you expect me to sit back and watch it? How can you ask someone to do that? How can you?

And I’ve tried to not talk about it because it steps into grounds that I promised I would never tell and I haven’t told anyone those things. They aren’t even mentioned here but they play such a big fucking role. This though. This broke nothing. None of this is a secret and none of this did you ever tell me to not say so if it betrays your trust, fine. Fine. It fucking hurts you know?

So what are the options? Watch you slowly fuck yourself up and slowly die, cut ties of 17 fucking years, or try and do something about it. Either way, people are going get hurt. And not just you and not just me. Lots of god damn people but in that state you don’t think about that do you?

Fuck.

So I’m 20 now and the big question always is “How does it feel to be 20?” and the truth is that it feels the same. I didn’t all of a sudden mature. I still like my Disney, my anime and manga, and other childish things and I don’t have my life sorted out. However what has changed over the past year is that I’m happy now. I’m so much happier than I was a year ago and I’m slowly sorting things out and some things still suck but the good things overshadow the bad and it feels so much better being like that. So my answer to the question? It feels good but I’m still going be a child for awhile to come.

And on to a different topic. I know what jealousy is. I’ve experienced it and I know how it feels therefore I can tell that that look is one of envy and I’m sorry you feel that way but what do you want me to do? Give it up? Give it to you? I can’t do that especially since this is something you can’t share. I earned this and I honestly didn’t even expect to end up with it. It was an odd turn of events that lead to it and one day I’m sure you will find something like it and for now I will pretend that those looks don’t bother me. I kind of feel like a bitch and selfish now but I guess it can’t be helped. Sometimes it is necessary.

I love ambiguous terms. They leave people guessing.

And because I was told to give a reminder, here is the link to Fire (lol I suck at titles) Link. I don’t really know what I was doing with that. Trying out a different style for sure and I think within that it became sub par. I could have gone way more into it but like I said before depth isn’t really my style but I think there is plot holes in this. It wasn’t even supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be from his point of view and very definite but it didn’t end up typing out like that. I think it would have been too much like The Beach (Seriously my titles suck) which isn’t on my DA but it is basically this girl who talks to her guy friend and then drowns herself. Ya. So let me know. I’m a big girl. I can face it if you think it sucks especially since I think it is kind of blah.

Also Lady Gaga is fierce.

It won’t let me post the music video. Go figure.

Today was a fairly good day. I was happy throughout most of it and like the elated kind of happy where you wish you could bottle it up and take it as a serum for days when you are down. A variety of reasons caused this but I liked it.

My plane ride home was fairly uneventful until near the end when we got a lot of turbulence and now I’ve been flying my whole life so I am pretty used to it but I do sometimes still get that twinge of fear of what may happen and if we crash, how likely is it that I will survive? And I am a snowball thinker so it just progresses from there but the plane landed safely and I’m home for the week until I go back to Prince George.

I watched 500 Days of Summer today and truthfully it kind of bored me. The ending was kind of cute and the soundtrack was good but that is about it. I wish I still had my film studies book though because I want to know what was up with the subdued colours.

A line in that movie though made me stop and go “what the hell am I doing with my life?”. I’m getting an English/Political Science degree. What can you really do with that? I’ll probably attempt a BED but would I even be a good teacher? Would I even get a job? Will I end up working at a job like McDonalds for the rest of my life and be called a lifer by the rest of the staff? I don’t want that but I don’t know if I want teaching either. I could go into government but do I want that? I really don’t know.

I finished the Card Captor Sakura manga today and I wish I had that. Not magical powers or anything like that. I wish I had someone that I love so much that I would wait for them even though it hurts that they are apart and I wish I had someone who would wait for me because they love me. They would let me go away and sort things out because that is how I do things. I go away from the problem (or I yell at it) and we’d both be in each others thoughts until we saw each other again. But that isn’t real life.