Death of Destiny

I haven’t blogged because I have nothing to blog about. I’ve been doing school work. How thrilling. I finished Frankenstein though and Frankenstein is a freaking jerk. I was kind of hoping Walton and the creature would become friends but that would probably not make it as good as the novel is. I recommend it.

I got an essay back and I got a B+ on it. I totally thought it was about C work. I mean if I handed it in in higschool I probably would have gotten a C+ on it but I am happy about the B+. I’m doing quite well this semester and I like it,.

At Soup and Jesus we talked about Science and religion which is just a giant mindfield and I did say that I believe in both and some people were just like *gasp* omg. I’m sorry but I do. The leader guy though agreed with me so it was all good.

Sometimes I feel awkward at these things lately because I am leaning more towards being agnostic because I really don’t know. There are times when I am like “this is god’s work” and there are others where I can’t see it. I feel like a fraud to them.

On a completely different note, I got my hair cut. http://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj273/sugar_beets/006.jpg And coloured. That is an unappealing angle too. Oh well.

I find these videos really funny and oddly insightful in certain places. It’s basically a channel on utube that mocks the sexism in our society. If you look up target women on utube you can find a lot of funny videos but these two are my favourites so far.

Vampires:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtBqNtgxq-I

My favourite part is at about 3 minutes when the guy is reading quotes from twilight.

Dating Advice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IjNWYh4lkU

Oh, and there’s also a really cool one about Disney Princesses but I’m too lazy to put in the link for it.

(The Weakends by Motion City Soundtrack)

So…
Kay, the dog thing fell apart the day of. Needless to say, I was pissed, but I’m done freaking out about it and will mention it no longer.

I’ve officially dropped Crim. And I must admit, I do feel much more committed to the classes that I’m still in. (Except Bio, but I’d never leave it because I need the credit and it does tie into Psych to some degree.) The only thing that has been getting me down as far as school goes is the stupid lab work in Bio. Meaning I still haven’t done last weeks work. True, there is a rule that if you miss one week completely, you have to complete this week’s work before you can do the stuff you missed. Which took me half an hour. Then I was pissy at the bitchy lab examinors and decided to leave and do last weeks’ examination tomorrow. I’m at school anyway. Might as well spread out my depression.
Yesterday Soci got me thinking about reality. More specifically, the social construction of reality (because that’s what I was reading about). I could go on a rant about it, but then I’ll just get distracted from what I actually want to do. (Wait, there’s something I want to do?)
I don’t know. I just like how little we know about the people in our lives and we don’t even really think about it. It’s awesome. That sounds weird. Pretend I never said that.

Anyway, I have a lot more free time than I was expecting to have. So I’m going to finish reading my last Soci article about mass media and do my Psych Labs. Something about monkeys. Not even kidding. I have to go online and it’s going to be something to do with monkeys. I love Psych. It’s so awesome in its methods of teaching.

Registration for summer courses is coming up. And they still haven’t posted all the time tables. PANIC!!!! But not really, because I don’t care. If I can’t register for that one class that just means that I’ll have less work to do. Speaking of which, I should really decide on the rest of my courses. I’ll probably be taking four again. …And actually staying in four. Yes, I know. Saw my Crim prof in the hallway yesterday. So awkward. I suddenly became very interested in my phone.

Also, I stealth put up Diabetes Awareness posters this morning. It’s for some event, I don’t know. Not like anyone looks at them anyway. That’s one thing I like about early morning classes. No one else is there. I don’t like getting up at six, but it’s really quiet. I hate evening classes, but it looks like I’m going to be stuck with them over the summer. Oh well, maybe it’ll be better when that’s what makes up your schedule. Still get to sleep in every day… Damn, how I miss that.

Anyway, I’m off to play with monkeys.

Empire of Illusion is a non-fictional book by Chris Hedges. It examines how society is headed towards illiteracy, and goes on to demonstrate what people are resorting to instead (that being illusions and other false beliefs). That being said (its topic largely being about false beliefs), it probably seems like a book that I would enjoy. [...]

(Arcade Fire – Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out))

I’ve written two blog posts in the past month, saved the drafts, then never finished them. I guess I should actually submit a post..

I went to the beach last night with a bunch of Tsawwassen people. I only knew about four of them, then the rest just by name. It was interesting. I spent a good half hour just wandering around for firewood/standing and looking at stuff. There’s not much to look at there. Ferries, stars, floating lo..OH LOOK HERE COMES THE FOG, BITCH. Yeah, it got really foggy around 1:30, in about 10mins we went from good visibility to not seeing Deltaport and barely the ferry causeway.

I’ve been really socially awkward lately. Especially talking to people. I’ve made mistakes, maybe I should just stop being paranoid and move on.

I might be withdrawing from my program at school. I really don’t want to, and I probably won’t, but at least three other people are seriously considering it. To put it lightly, we were not impressed with the result of our practicum. We’re educated (with the exception of three people, myself included) adults that are capable of doing more than telling people where the washrooms are. Please reflect that the next time you accept student employees. I really hope it was just the Olympics fucking everything up rather than that being the way we would normally be handled.

I’ve lost 4.5kg in the last month-and-a-half ish or so.. whenever I last measured. Maybe it was cos I’ve been eating less, or because I was walking for eight hours a day at work. I’ve also started eating breakfast, which is really hard for me. I’m not hungry in the morning, and I practically have to shove cereal down my throat. I’m less hungry later on in the day though, which is nice. I’ve started buying soy milk “beverage” so that I can actually have proper cereal instead of just eating it dry.

Apparently Facebook’s idea of “94 other friends” using FB mobile is eight people. Good math skills.

I was eating a salad the other day with a shitload of croûtons in it and bit the end of my tongue. It started bleeding in two spots and it still hurts

How much do people know about me? How much do I want them to know about me? I’m going to enjoy being vague because I’m paranoid like that.

Why am I always the bad person in this relationship? Why is the blame put on me? Communication requires two people so you don’t contact me for MONTHS and I am the one at fault? Why should I make the effort? People change? Of course people change but you haven’t proven that. Actually yes you have but it isn’t for the better. What happened? What the hell happened? I want to forgive you. I so want to forgive you and for some things I have. I’ve forgiven you for a lot but how can I keep forgiving? You opened some slow healing wounds and you keep putting on new ones but you have the guts to turn around and make me seem like the bad person.

I was trying. I was trying so hard but I don’t want to anymore. I just don’t want to. I’m so sick of pain. Not like everyday pain because I am so happy. Happier than I’ve ever been and I think I deserve that. Don’t you? But you bring me pain. Not physical pain. That would be impossible anyway but so much pain and usually people try to get rid of pain. I want to be rid of it but to do that I have to cut ties with you and that does make me the bad person. I can’t win. I can’t try and stay in touch with you but receive no word or reply for long periods of time. You could be dead and I would never fucking know. And I can’t just stop talking to you because then I am the person you say I am. I can’t deal with this.

I wish things had been different. I wish they were different. You were important to me. Very important to me but bad choices were made and it wasn’t one bad choice. It was many and your importance dwindled. I can live without you but you can’t live without me clearly but you should have realized that earlier. It was your choice. Your choice. I shouldn’t be the one shedding tears.

You make me cry the most you know? Like the kind that hurts and it is hard to breathe and you just can’t stop. You make me lay in bed curled up tightly because your words and your actions hurt me that much. Are you proud that you can accomplish that? Would you be if you knew that almost everything comes back to you? See even if I wanted to cut ties, which I do, I can’t because it all relates back to you.

I hate you. I love you. I don’t want to see you. I do want to see you. I care and I don’t. I want to hit you so hard but I also want to embrace you. All contradictions. Can’t you see how frustrating this is?

But you outstretched a hand although it is one that typed that email that made me feel like this and is dirty but I will take it once more. I think I can only do once more. So please, let neither of us fuck this up again.

So I haven’t blogged in awhile. I’ve just been busy/uninspired I guess. I don’t really have a reason though.

Things are going okay with me lately. Wednesday was a big day for me but my English presentation and Data Analysis test went okay. Although it’s weird how much my self esteem is connected to grades. I would never believe if I got an A on something and someone else got a B that I was smarter than them so how come if someone does better on something than me I start to doubt myself? Why do I have this enormous fear of making mistakes and I don’t even know if this relates to Wednesday or  not because I believe I did really well even though I don’t know for sure. It’s just a general observation about myself.

Last night was fun. Watching hot japanese guys with one group of friends and meeting another group of friends at the sundance. It was pretty sweet. I really like karokee even though I’m not the best singer in the world. Laura and I sang Britney Spears’s Oops I Did It Again which was funny.

Sons and Lovers is a fictional novel by D.H. Lawrence. It follows the relationship between Mrs. Morel and her son Paul throughout her life. Really, this is probably the most well written (read: easy to read) piece of literature I've read to date. The syntax is easy to understand, even the often drunk and slurred words [...]

I like watching TV. I really do and I do have my guilty pleasure shows and that is cool. Everyone does but what I’ve been watching during the day when I have nothing to do is Animal Planet, Discovery Channel, and sometimes CBC and it is really interesting. I do love learning. I couldn’t dedicate my life to any of the things these scientists do (CBC is politics so lets exclude that) but what they find is amazing to me and I like it when it is broken down. Fancy words really don’t mean much to me until they have a definition or visual so scholarly papers are harder for me to follow but the stuff I do get, I do like learning about.

I was watching episode one to One Ocean (I think that is what it is called) and they were explaining how the ocean was born and the animals that help link human evolution like some creature that I can’t remember the name of (which sucks) and I don’t know. It was neat. They also showed what probably caused massive extinctions other than a comet or whatever. Micbrobes like algae or stuff like it grow like crazy and strangle all living things with oxygen but this only happens when all the ocean’s temperature becomes stagnant. Isn’t that fascinating?

See that is why I am not a scientist. I find the stuff interesting but I remember none of the scientific words and that whole thing kind of sounds like I am child explaining it. Oh well.

And before anyone jumps at me, I do believe in science. Always have. I actually love it. I enjoy knowing various types of things like that and other things that I will never really be of use me except for random pieces of knowledge and I guess enjoyment. My mom enjoys telling the story of how when I was a kid I always needed to know why something was and she would have to get me books so I could read them and find out because I didn’t believe her. It was stuff like “Why is the sky blue?” or “how to flowers live?” but I was a kid. I was also subscribed to some kids magazine that had stuff like that in it and other stuff. I’ve always believed in science and I’ve always liked learning but I always liked reading more so here I am. Plus in highschool I didn’t like the sciences and maths and if I don’t like something, I don’t pay attention to it.

I also watched episode one Love, Hate, and Propaganda today and that is a history/politics one but that was so interesting. It is all about the propaganda used in WWII and I already knew that propaganda was huge but seeing footage and pictures of posters and stuff, it makes sense why it worked and that is kind of scary. I hope I can watch the rest of the mini series and my friends aren’t like “No. Lets watch Cake Boss instead” or something stupid. Though they do like Animal Planet and that is always cool.

This link gives a proper summary as it is a show review and it tells what the first episode talks about: http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/entertainment/TV/wartime-spin-writ-large-86318192.html Winnipeg Free Press is obviously the best newspaper ever. OK no but if you have sometime do watch at least the first episode probably on the CBC website. It is really interesting and you don’t need to know all the history because they explain some of the basics.

The world is a really neat place. Everything is just so amazing and how it works. Even the bad stuff. I mean I am not going be like “Yay! Bad stuff!” but how it works is still pretty cool.

(@!#@?! by Motion City Soundtrack)

So, I didn’t say anything because, for me, it wasn’t a sure thing. But, it looks like we’re getting a dog.

 As soon as this Saturday maybe. I will keep you updated.

Furthermore, I might be the only person on Earth who would be pissed off about an extremely good midterm grade. But I’ve made my decision, and I know it probably seems stupid to other people, but it’s what I think will work for me. So, here goes. Dropping Crim, bye bye midterm. I’m not going to try to justify it to anyone. (I’m saying that because I was going to do just that with that next sentence…and now I’m justifying that statement…whatever.)

Anyway, I went from very tired, to good day, to irritated/exasperated day, to neutral day, to really down day, to happier but very, very tired day.
Which means I need sleep. But I should also quickly skim my Psych chapter. I’ll read it on the weekend. I’ll have the time to now.
Besides, tomorrow is going to be a long day. Better find a way to deal with it.